No take backs

No take backs

I drew the trigger of my tongue , not imagining how the bullet would penetrate your skin.

How it would cling to every piece of your being, leaving no sign of an exit wound.

Peripherally I see the pain oozing from your chest, I succumb.

If I dare look, it makes it all real.

I turn this now empty carcass of the person I was,to face you.

Chest tightens, breathing laborious , drowning in a pool of my own guilt,

I see your eyes lose the stars that once sparkled within them.

This silence is deafening, though I can hear my heart beat play prestissimo.

I try and reach for the bullet, I stretch out my hand

To see that my hands are dripping in the hurt and pain left by words spoken .

The bullet must have fragmented into shrapnel, dispersing into multiple avenues

I freeze, my body turns to stone.

My body weighed down by the burden of shooting you.

I try to apply as much pressure as I can , stop the hurt from expanding,

Yet I find my efforts redundant, your silence pushes me back to reality.

I find my words stumbling , tripping over themselves, unable to walk in a straight line,

They’re unable to say the alphabet backwards, failing the breathalyser.

Sometimes my words don’t understand the hurt they can cause,

They’re reckless, leaping off of cliffs before thinking about what happens when they hit the ground.

This time their recklessness got them into trouble , this time there were no take backs.

My Chapter

Your hands felt like sandpaper against my skin,

A painful reminder that they don’t belong there.

I felt my body shudder as you ran your hand up my thigh,

My own body repelling your touch.

Your eyes met mine,

All I can see is the thirst of wanting more,

I could feel my own body become a corset .

The way my body tensed up, and how it took the breath from my lungs,

I trusted you.

The one who promised to not to break me,

Is the reason why I need super glue.

But we were in a relationship right ?

It’s my duty, or if I loved you I would,

But my vagina is not your walk in closet.

You wanted a place to store your disconcerted thoughts,

And I was the closest thing to hand.

But no should still mean no.

Your words dug a shallow grave in my chest,

Eroded by lies and promises broken.

My mind works anticlockwise ,

It likes to reminisce on the what could have beens.

The tears you once made me shed,

Now being wiped away by another, however ,

You’ve made me a human blockade,

I feel myself pushing away anyone that dares to get close to me.

I’m a shell of the woman I was,

My exterior says otherwise,

But Everyone has a chapter they don’t read out loud.

I will

I will

Place your burdens on my shoulders,

I will help you carry the load.

When it feels like the clocks have arthritis,

I will help you fill the time.

When thoughts are hard to articulate,

I will speak for the both of us.

When your bed holds you captive,

I will be it’s hostage too.

When you’re drained of power, running at 10%,

I will be the 90% you need to boost you back up.

When your legs refuse to move,

I will be your crutch, lean on me.

When everything becomes to much,

I will be you’re resting place.

When the noise becomes to deafening,

Look for me ; I will lead you to your safe haven.

Undress your worries,

I will wear them as my own.

Take off the mask you always wear,

For I see beneath the facade.

When it has hold of your throat leaving you breathless,

I will breathe new life into your lungs.

When you feel alone in a world full of people,

Look to your left for I have never left you.

I may not be able to take it away,

But I won’t let it consume you either.

Alone you suffer,

Together we manage.

By Paige Browning

My weightloss journey

 

So on January 29th I started my weightloss journey and I’m now 5-6 weeks in. I have lost 16lbs overall , 4inches off of my waist , 3 of hips and 2 off of chest. And I couldn’t be happier!

So what started this whole thing was my happiness, How can I be happy when I’m not taking my health seriously ? I am a type 2 diabetic and that’s down to my weight and eating habits, and I know that if I lose the weight then I could reserve the diabetes and no longer have it! What more of an insentive do I need ? And if my clothes fit a bit better and my skin is a healither then I’m all for it !

I have been on so many ‘healthy eating diets ‘ and working out but it never worked for me in the past until now. I have downloaded the app My Fitness Pal and it is amazing ! I am able to track my Calories, and my macros and also track how much exercise I’m getting in and also my water intake. It has been a massive help for me as it gives me my daily calorie allowance, and I input what food I’m eating and it works everything out for me !

Exercise wise I have gone ant got myself a personal trainer ! I work with her once a week and she works be to the bone ! I am nearly passing out as I leave the studio , and I’m in pain for days afterwards ha! But the pain is good and all worth it in the long run. I also try to go to the gym 2-3 times a week and if I can’t make the gym I workout at home, or I go for a walk/jog down the beach, I’m always trying to do something.

I have such a long way to go, but it’s going to take time and I’m in it for the long haul ! This is just the beginning, I will be posting weekly updates , workout routines , what I eat in a week and any tips and tricks I find useful myself ! Stay tuned!

We Are Powerful !

Why is it that our self worth is determined by our size ? Why do we feel the need to judge ourselves and point out every individual flaw we may or may not have? Why can’t we see ourselves for the amazing beautiful human beings that we are. I have felt this way for a long time, and recently I havent been feeling self conscious, Ive been going out and not caring what others are thinking of me, and if they are judging me or not. And its at this point in my life I can smile, I can appreciate that I only get one body, and that this body is always going to be plus size, and thats ok. I can still be beautiful and be big, I can hold my head up high and not have to worry about feeling like I need to high every aspect of my being. 

For anyone that tried to hide away or are constantly thinking theyre not good enough, you need to stop! You need to allow yourself to be happy, you need to allow yourself freedom, otherwise you will be trapped forever, and thats a worrying and sad thought, and I know no one wants to feel that way. Any haters are only hating as they cant believe someone of our size can be confident and love ourselves, only because they dont love themselves, and seeing us do it intimidates them. We are so powerful, we are strong and we need to wake up and see this !  We have the power to intimidate people through our self love and confidence, we have the power to make me notice is, we have the power to be whoever we want to be ! Our size has nothing to do with it, its our confidence, its our self love, our respect for people and our ability to see others for more then their appearence. And is that isnt truely magnificent , I dont know what it. 

Now ladies and gentlemen, next time you want to put a part of your body now, “oh my thighs are so fat”, instead of thinking like that, think about what they do for you,or what they allow you to be able to do. Such as ” my legs allow me to dance, which makes me feel great, or my legs allow me to run and play with my children”, making these positive changes about the way  you see your body, will start to have an impact on how you view yourself. Now this may sound crazy, but I need you to start talking to yourself ! I need you to start telling yourself what you love about yourself, yes it may feel awkward for the first few times, but by saying it out loud, your hearing it and understand it, and it can have great benifits! Treat yourself as though you would your mother or you sister or friends. And what I mean by that is why not be as nice to yourself as you are to the people you love? “Think to yourself, ‘would I say this to my best friend, or my sister, or my mother?'” Silverman says. “If you cannot imagine another human being who you love saying this to themselves or someone else talking to them that way, then how are you talking to yourself in that manner?”

I hope this has reached out to somebody, thats all I ever hope ! 

Until next time my beautiful plus size people!