No take backs

No take backs

I drew the trigger of my tongue , not imagining how the bullet would penetrate your skin.

How it would cling to every piece of your being, leaving no sign of an exit wound.

Peripherally I see the pain oozing from your chest, I succumb.

If I dare look, it makes it all real.

I turn this now empty carcass of the person I was,to face you.

Chest tightens, breathing laborious , drowning in a pool of my own guilt,

I see your eyes lose the stars they once carried.

This silence is deafening, though I can hear my heart beat play prestissimo.

I try and reach for the bullet, I stretch out my hand

To see that my hands are dripping in the hurt and pain left by words spoken .

The bullet must have fragmented into shrapnel, dispersing into multiple avenues

I freeze, my body turns to stone.

My body weighed down by the burden of shooting you.

I try to apply as much pressure as I can , stop the hurt from expanding,

Yet I find my efforts redundant, your silence pushes me back to reality.

I find my word stumbling , tripping over themselves, unable to walk in a straight line,

They’re unable to say the alphabet backwards, failing the breathalyser.

Sometimes my words don’t understand the hurt they can cause,

They’re reckless, leaping off of cliffs before thinking about what happens when they hit the ground.

This time their recklessness got them into trouble , this time there were no take backs.

My Chapter

Your hands felt like sandpaper against my skin,

A painful reminder that they don’t belong there.

I felt my body shudder as you ran your hand up my thigh,

My own body repelling your touch.

Your eyes met mine,

All I can see is the thirst of wanting more,

I could feel my own body become a corset .

The way my body tensed up, and how it took the breath from my lungs,

I trusted you.

The one who promised to not to break me,

Is the reason why I need super glue.

But we were in a relationship right ?

It’s my duty, or if I loved you I would,

But my vagina is not your walk in closet.

You wanted a place to store your disconcerted thoughts,

And I was the closest thing to hand.

But no should still mean no.

Your words dug a shallow grave in my chest,

Eroded by lies and promises broken.

My mind works anticlockwise ,

It likes to reminisce on the what could have beens.

The tears you once made me shed,

Now being wiped away by another, however ,

You’ve made me a human blockade,

I feel myself pushing away anyone that dares to get close to me.

I’m a shell of the woman I was,

My exterior says otherwise,

But Everyone has a chapter they don’t read out loud.

I will

I will

Place your burdens on my shoulders,

I will help you carry the load.

When it feels like the clocks have arthritis,

I will help you fill the time.

When thoughts are hard to articulate,

I will speak for the both of us.

When your bed holds you captive,

I will be it’s hostage too.

When you’re drained of power, running at 10%,

I will be the 90% you need to boost you back up.

When your legs refuse to move,

I will be your crutch, lean on me.

When everything becomes to much,

I will be you’re resting place.

When the noise becomes to deafening,

Look for me ; I will lead you to your safe haven.

Undress your worries,

I will wear them as my own.

Take off the mask you always wear,

For I see beneath the facade.

When it has hold of your throat leaving you breathless,

I will breathe new life into your lungs.

When you feel alone in a world full of people,

Look to your left for I have never left you.

I may not be able to take it away,

But I won’t let it consume you either.

Alone you suffer,

Together we manage.

By Paige Browning

My weightloss journey

 

So on January 29th I started my weightloss journey and I’m now 5-6 weeks in. I have lost 16lbs overall , 4inches off of my waist , 3 of hips and 2 off of chest. And I couldn’t be happier!

So what started this whole thing was my happiness, How can I be happy when I’m not taking my health seriously ? I am a type 2 diabetic and that’s down to my weight and eating habits, and I know that if I lose the weight then I could reserve the diabetes and no longer have it! What more of an insentive do I need ? And if my clothes fit a bit better and my skin is a healither then I’m all for it !

I have been on so many ‘healthy eating diets ‘ and working out but it never worked for me in the past until now. I have downloaded the app My Fitness Pal and it is amazing ! I am able to track my Calories, and my macros and also track how much exercise I’m getting in and also my water intake. It has been a massive help for me as it gives me my daily calorie allowance, and I input what food I’m eating and it works everything out for me !

Exercise wise I have gone ant got myself a personal trainer ! I work with her once a week and she works be to the bone ! I am nearly passing out as I leave the studio , and I’m in pain for days afterwards ha! But the pain is good and all worth it in the long run. I also try to go to the gym 2-3 times a week and if I can’t make the gym I workout at home, or I go for a walk/jog down the beach, I’m always trying to do something.

I have such a long way to go, but it’s going to take time and I’m in it for the long haul ! This is just the beginning, I will be posting weekly updates , workout routines , what I eat in a week and any tips and tricks I find useful myself ! Stay tuned!

10 things I’d tell me younger self!

 

I know I can’t be the only one that often thinks about what they would do differently if they could go back to when they were younger. All the things you would have done differently, and it eats are you sometimes,because who knows where you be now, if only you’d changed thungs, or could tell yourself something that you know now.
1) Keep dancing ! When I was younger I loved to dance and know I needed to take more classes and get fit, but I told myself I wasn’t  good enough, so I stopped. I’ve regretted it ever since.

2) Get fit and healthy while your still young! I am only 22, but I’m 250lbs, type 2 diabetic and unfit. And if only I had started taking my health seriously when I was 16-17, I wouldn’t be on my weight loss journey now, I wouldn’t have gotten type 2 diabetes and I would weigh a healthy amount. My weight has always been an issue, and I have never taken it seriously until this year , and I’ve lost over a stone so in 5 weeks which for me is great!

3) Be confident! Don’t let your size hold you back!

4) Dont out your life on hold for a man. Since I was 16 I’ve been with my partner, and at times I have done/ not done things for him and because of him. I need independence.

5) Be kind to your friends, you never know what you’ve got till it’s gone….

6) Go traveling asap!! Don’t start your adult life straight away, take time out for you.

7) Think things trough, some things need more time to think about, don’t rush in.

8) Try new things, don’t be afraid to experiment, if you want to do something just do it.

9) Don’t do things that are easy, the things that push you and that are hard are usually worth more.

10) Love yourself, I am begging you, this is what your life has been missing, do this and I promise you will for happiness.